Don’t and do stop believing

Here it comes the science-y bit, hey don’t huff at me its all about understanding. Now dear adventurer belief is described as being;

“an acceptance that something exists or is true, especially one without proof” (think Santa)

Or

“trust, faith or confidence in someone or something”

oxford dictionary

Belief has two sides: one is the moral frame work, steering relationships, side two is manifestations of prejudice to convince you of your lack of worth.  Or if your looking for a movie reference that fits it is the edge of knife, stray just a little and it could lead to the destruction of all.

“be a fruitloop in a bowl of cheerios”

Belief is the most powerful force in the human nature and yet we as individuals let it be controlled by outside sources, because for what ever reason we follow the crowd.

“I AM AN INTROVERTED EXTROVERT”

Oh good, phew you are all still awake now…now…. now before you all go getting yourselves excited and stand outside my top secret lair in protest allow me to explain.

After months and months of feeling sorry for myself and taking on the monstrous task – to be explained in another story – id had enough of looking for support and took a chance of reaching out to the greatest bunch of people i know… my friends. During this conversation it was mentioned that they were headed to Arran (pictured above) for a day out. So like any self respecting parent i asked my parents permission to attend the event and promised not to be home late.

Things were going well… until my 5am wake up call followed by a yellow weather warning for wind and rain, and that’s when it happened. What if the ferry was cancelled? what if it broke down? what if….. what if….. what if…..

It is in this moment of panic that it became a choice, spend another night scrolling social media feeling a little sad that you missed out or what if, you dress appropriately and get on the damn ferry…. a few hours later as the sun started to break through the clouds and ferry bobbed up and down as it left port that a voice from the group voiced what was running through my head “are we sure this is a good idea?” Too late now….. a 50 minute ferry journey with me inwardly panicking that i’d lost that connection with these people would see us pull into the port.

The rule of the day seemed to have been that we should have probably ditched the itinerary and went for good old winging it… for it was then we would have to wait an extended period of time for a bus.

“ive never heard of waiting on a bus being referred to as an adventure”

But why not… if Mary Poppins can make tidying ones room exciting and fun why cant waiting on a bus, besides if it wasn’t for that wait we wouldn’t have seen in my opinion one of the greatest hats, the umbrella hat. Having never been to Arran before i was rather quiet taking in the beauty of this magical island, the lush green leaves looking almost leathery from the earlier rain fall. The rolling hills in the background and the warmth of the sun we thought we would never see reaching through the glass to warm my face. Snapping out of it to get off the bus at a shop with puffin ornaments in the window when i learn that they in fact have the little beauties right here on the island…. instant longing to go find them, you see dear reader it has long since been a dream of mine to see them in the flesh. Why you ask well just look at them

you are welcome.

It was on the bus back to port after some great food and a few light refreshments, a hilarious discussion about lack of organising and my insane ability to plan group activities flawlessly – is this my real talent….planning? – anyway there was also the murder of a few wasps…

“aw great that’s gawny attract more, you know because they send out a signal ta thur pals”

So here i am with an image of these wasps throwing on that yellow and black armour putting on wee helmets, punching their clenched fist into the opposite palm with a “right lads.. lets get them” I realise i have no belief…well i do it just on all the wrong things. That’s the thing about belief i guess in your lowest it can feed the wrong kind. I’ve spent months almost isolating myself because i believing one thing that somewhere in the pit of my consious i knew wasn’t true.

“why can’t you take a compliment”

The words coming out of your mouth are ones i don’t believe in that’s why but i’m going to change that… say thank you and then insult the man it’s what friends do. I started thinking and I’ve been doing it ever since, if i wasn’t good at something i wouldn’t have got this far and just because i’m not there yet doesn’t mean i never will be.

“I’m king of the world”

And he was… I mean why cant he be, why cant anyone all it takes is a little belief or faith, trust and a little bit pixie dust. We are all kings or queens (I will let you decide which) of our worlds we just have to believe it.

The journey home was something, we took to the upper level to enjoy a fish supper and a glorious sunset over Arran. Selfies galore, laughing like I’ve not done in so long and finally i looked over at one of the group leaning on the rail staring contently and longingly at the island we left. It is the look i imagine i will have one day when i finally live that lifelong dream of being New Zealand… but we were all snapped out of whatever bliss we were in by one comment which i shall spare you all from but let’s say the tone of the conversation changed and while some memories i will never forget this is definitely one i wish i could.

“he is a weirdo, but he’s our kind of weirdo”

“It is a wonder how we are awe pals really”

So there it is…. i am an introvert spending my time deep in my own thoughts, some times in a place called Alanadell with the elves especially one called Oron and a bronze dragon called Tibalt, sometimes even the fairies. One day i hope to share these guys with the world once i find my courage to take that step. I am also an extrovert, i need that social interaction i thrive on it…

Good friends…some banter and lots of laughing.

When you fear and doubt yourself long enough you will believe all the bad stuff you tell yourself, but please dear readers know this you are good enough, strong enough, smart enough, you have something to offer the world and if your currently in a state of not believing that try making it your mantra for a while… I know, i know it’s easy for people to say these things if they haven’t experienced it and i’m trying to believe it myself, hell i’m four weeks into a 52 week mindfulness challenge and i’m still on week one. (i know im doing ever so well)

“power of habit designs our destiny.”

So please stop believing the bad stuff and start believing the good, and if you have negative people in your life bringing you down and making it seem that life is some competition.. well go out there and prove them wrong show the world the weird, eccentric, geeky, smart and wonderful person that is you 😊