Yip here we all are just winging our way through this amazing, terrifying, fun, confusing, unpredictable often exciting thing called….. life.
No matter how much we plan or want things in life it rarely works out that way and if it has for you congratulations. I was having a discussion the other day about this very topic and as conversations often do, I began thinking even more about the words, you see when I was younger I wanted two things kids and to settle in New Zealand. I know your probably thinking like so many other people I have crossed paths with over the years…. Its not really a career of any kind, and I understand your thinking. Life happens and sadly due to other people’s opinions getting way too far in my head I haven’t travelled the world or settled in New Zealand, some day…. But I am a mother and it is more than I could ever imagined.
If you were ever looking for evidence that we are all winging it just look at parents, I know if you don’t have kids this is topic will make you yawn but it’s the purest example. My whole life I wanted kids, I’d spend hours imagining what they would look like, the personalities they would have but mostly the kind of mother I’d be. So, when the time came to pee on that stick I felt ready for this amazing adventure into mother hood I had it all planned out in my head, id read all the books I faced it all head on. I had listened to all the arguments of that is your life over once you have kids blah blah blah…. Bring it on.
Well that was an interesting nine months, hunger like I’d never felt before, being annoyed and angry with most people over silly little things, there was tiredness that meant that if I was still awake after 2pm in the afternoon I was of no use to anyone and as my partner found out likely to fall asleep mid conversation with you. As the months progressed and I grew in size, people gave me there “words of wisdom” of parenthood and still I believed I was ready for it despite the horror birthing stories. Then one night it happened… labour, right in the middle of the night, so I took myself downstairs popped on David Attenbrough and did laps of the coffee table stopping now and then to make sure the foundations of the house were still sturdy. I would wipe the sweat from my brow and tears from my eyes and then pace some more trying to focus on David’s soothing tones, but all I really heard in my head was “here we see the old mother preparing herself for the birth of her offspring” it seemed to never end and the pain intensified until I called the midwife “take two paracetamol, have a bath and try and get some sleep”
Really? But it worked and 23 hours from when it all started he was here, as the midwife placed him on my chest for skin to skin contact my little boy who I had talked to, tolerated the heart burn and kicking for 9 months peed on me. Still it was love like I’ve never felt and the dream was a reality, I endured the silly comments of “you look tired and pale for visiting time and then basked in the glory of being alone with this little person and the peace that came with him.
Sleepless nights, poo galore, nappies on backwards, projectile vomit but in spite of all of that I wanted more kids. The midwives told me it was hormones and I would change my mind but I didn’t, but I changed things that I would have taken like a pinch of salt clung to me feeding my self esteem turning it negative, suddenly I had to deal with things I never had before… thank goodness I had my partner looking out for me.
There were a thousand memories of those years as a family of three like the time he took his nappy off I wont share too much you might be eating, we had to find solutions to many problems that is all trial and error. I have heard many people say that sometimes you need to take a break from your kids and its true you do for their sake and yours, if I learned anything in the first few years it was just wing it and ignore everyone else’s views on the matter.
Baby number two was to be different, I was determined and so I had all the plans set in my head, only a rather eventful pregnancy made me worry that our little lady wouldn’t make it. Again, its that thing called life…. But she did thankfully four weeks ahead of schedule, the birth was the most amazing experience compared to my sons. She was born in a birthing pool we laughed and joked with the midwife who laughed at me after ever contraction because I zoned out and in of the conversation like I was never in pain. Towards the end I was asking her what I was even thinking having another baby, she would give me my answer when I lifted my daughter out of the water and then she peed on me. Emotions are a terrible thing especially other peoples, my plans fell apart and because of that I felt that something was missing, however the poo continued, projectile vomit, crying and not sleeping were all there just like before.
The feeling of failure that followed was something I never planned for, I had never experienced it before and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it is a battle I continue to struggle with now. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it is ok to not have that connection and it doesn’t make you terrible.
My son is nearing 9 now and I can honestly say that all those years have been filled with trial and error, changing beliefs, finding our own way in this parenting world. There are times where I question how I am as a mother because I am so far from the dream one I imagined I would be, but I just remind myself that life has a funny way of guiding us and I am learning to be open to that. I do know that all that winging it has helped to developed two independent, clever, problem solving, funny, playful and downright amazing children. I’m pretty sure I’ve made a few mistakes along the way and I know I lost myself a little too, but it’s all part of the fun and journey….. I’m just working on enjoying finding my path.
So, there you have it an example of winging it, in the purest form but think about it dear readers there must be something in your own life…. Life is this wonderful thing that we all have, and we continue to be on the pursuit of happiness within it, some of us struggle more than others in that pursuit but we keep pushing through. Be proud of any and every step towards progress you make, and every step back is just part of the process not a failing.
“if you have a dream you have to protect it don’t let anyone take it from you”
Sometimes the best things in life are the things we are not ready for so just keep winging it your doing great 😊