I recently gathered my friends together for a night of fun and laughter, terrifying as it might have been, but I missed them all. It was during this time I got speaking to one of my friends who had no idea what was going on because like a lot of people I just didn’t speak about it, we got to speaking about how it affects so many people and you would never know. Then we started talking about anxiety…. Something that everyone goes through daily but for some people it can have devastating effects, and there is a lack of understanding of it with people wanting to push someone into things or telling them to just get on with it making anyone with anxiety feel worse and unimportant. So today’s blog is about a day with some help I stepped out of my comfort zone and shows the internal dialogue that can stop me going out with friends, cause me to be snippy and argumentative and even stop me from progressing but dear readers it is not the end I have researched and tried many methods and so long as no one pushes me I find my own way of getting there. There is a light at the end of the dark and twisty tunnel but I will get there one day.
The sun was warm, but I couldn’t feel it, the stupid ringing of the alarm shocked my mind into consciousness after being asleep for only a few hours earlier. I’ve been awake for a few hours and already mind has thought of over a million things for the day. What if I just pull the cover me again and just ignore the next alarm why do I need to prove anything to myself I don’t.
Ahhhh enough please…. breathe
Right on que the alarm, ok lets do this, you booked it for a reason and you paid for it to make sure you went… so get yourself up and have breakfast, get everyone out the door and then you stroll down and get the train. Simple right….
The steam rises from the cup as a million thoughts skip through my head, some narrowly missing each other while others have a head on collision spiralling out of control…. I’m going to be late.
I quicken my pace, but I should be running, the kids play joyously as they wait on the bus to school, I’m never going to make the train but at least I tried…. A gathering of unhappy commuters tells me the train is late and my heart sinks a little.
Think of all times you have been through this when meeting with your friends it always works out in the end so just take it all in. you know I think my brain actually tried to stop me leaving the house like it literally thought of every reason not to but you have and look at that view this morning, look at the dogs playing on the beach it was worth it.
But you won’t know anyone here, they will judge you, your opinion doesn’t matter, and it never does…
Why are you doing this just go home
“hey, thought what will you do for me today?”
Silence blissful silence, my feet start walking again the warm sun breaks through the cold autumn air, its early and there is no one around. The air smells of saltwater and the annoying noise of seagulls fills the air…. No, they are not going to swoop down and peck your eyes out… quite sure but speed up a little just in case.
There it is… the place I’m meant to be
There is no one here, you came you tried, and you can go home now
“Hi, are you here for the mental health mind thing?”
Darn it shhhh you “yes I am”
I smile a small victory over my mind too bad anxiety your out of luck…. But oh, gods your about to walk into a room of strangers
Hahaha you should have listened, its not too late to walk out you know…. no, wait what are you doing don’t you open that door.
“Hi how are you”
Ok just need to keep this momentum going, you’re here, safe and this is going to be worth it. Ahh but remember what that person said you can’t help anyone if you have mental health problems yourself.
“seriously, what are you going to do for me today? Nothing that’s what I thought now I am here to challenge myself, empower myself, learn and well just all round enjoy myself so if you don’t mind just sshhhh”
Face palm…. Introduction time great I have nothing, you’re not as inspiring as these other people.
STOP…. BREATHE…. you haven’t done anything inspiring yet remember the power of yet, think of all the reasons you want this knowledge, remember that the reason you are doing this is because every day you conquer the fight that goes on and you CAN help other people do it too.
Well dear readers I won’t bore you anymore but after two days I completed a mental health first aid course and got my certificate GO ME. The biggest part for me was that it was something I accomplished for myself and no one pushed me into it (which heightens those feelings). I took myself out of my comfort zone and came out a little stronger for it, I am now ready for the next challenge.