Hope you are comfy, maybe have some snacks and a drink, I would recommend that toilet break but let’s be honest some of you lovely people could be sitting on the loo right now. (I’m not judging just remember to flush) Anyway this is a tale of a journey sadly not one that I wanted to take or anywhere exotic…. No this is a journey to a magical fun world of thoughts otherwise known as the inside of my head. Yip you see not too long ago I fell into this pit and felt I had no escape until I heard a speech about self- love, and I made a terrifying choice…. I chose to run.
Our story begins one sunny afternoon in a room of too many things, a room once filled with warmth, joy and laughter now empty. This room is usually so vibrant now dull and grey its gone, I sit on the floor holding back the sadness that threatens to consume me surrounded by a fortnight worth of washing. Mascara begins to run down my face and I realise I never took it off from work yesterday, the dark cloud begins to swirl in my head, because no one can put me down like I can and then I hear it Morgan Freeman’s voice is in there (I know it is glorious 😊 ) but it comes through loud and clear saying
“If you lay down people will step over, you. But if you keep scrambling, keep going someone will always, always give you a hand. But you got to keep dancing, keep moving your feet.”
The reflection in the TV is hideous, mascara now burns my already red eyes, you see it occurs to me that this is it, I can’t control what is happening around me how other people are treating me, but I can control how I react to it. So, make the choice, am I really going to sit here and be consumed by all of this or am I going to do something.
Just breath, this isn’t torture…. No this is an act of self-love, look at you out of the house forget about catching the site of the walrus in the skin-tight running gear she is gone. FOCUS, its all about that mindfulness, the breathing, the feel of the air, the warmth of the sun, the silence. Find the beat with your feet, squirrel, seriously focus you haven’t even started running yet.
Silence…. Breathe it in and find your timing, now run… let the thoughts just melt away right now is what is important let it all go (great here comes Elsa) The sun streams through the trees bathing the woodland floor in its beauty, there is a smell of freshly fallen rain and the air is dense with its heat, it’s harder to focus I’m kind of hungry should have had elevenses. There they are the hobbits laughing away at my lack of food smoking there pipeweed, well laugh it up boys I hope you paid that troll, yip you are bonkers completely mad.
“We’re all mad here”
The curse of having a good imagination and seeing magic in the world because that came from the Hatter at his tea party and I want to stop and join mainly because of the pain throbbing away in my side and the burning now in my lungs. Seriously though slow down a little, despite what the shirt says they are not taking the Hobbits to Isengard and besides what would you do if they were, just a little fish in a big pond. I pass my favourite tree in my sadness its colour is dull, and the tree looks sad, I always tell my kids stories about the fairies and yet today I can’t see them have I lost my magic?
As my thoughts take over my pace slows down, I’m walking again, all the things that I’ve heard people say take over and begin to consume me. That irksome thing people always say about my only talent being in Psychology, or you can’t help others if you’re not ok in your own head.
Stop…. acknowledge it and stop it… Breathe…
There he is, the ring master laughing yelling Roll up, roll up come see the crazy jogging lady and then it happened. Now dear reader (if your still with me) it was at this moment that my sudden screaming outburst of frustration startled the birds, yip a humongous pheasant came right at me claws showing screaming at me- ok so it’s an exaggeration but you get the point- and I’m running again heart threatening to jump out my chest like Alien but I’m out of the woods, the air is clearer here the sun is warm. There are the calls of MUM over the ever so catchy Footloose but as I look for this interruption to my groove (yes, I am now less run more dad dancing, sure like you haven’t done it) my heart melts at the sight of the lambs.
“We tend to base our self-esteem on what other people think. Self-esteem is supposed to be about how we feel about ourselves.”
Eminem and Dr Dre come pounding through my earphones, my feet finding the ground with every beat heavily, too heavy in fact my body is tight with anger. Why am I allowing people who don’t know me make me feel so insignificant or that I have nothing to offer?
With the growing beat the negative thoughts begin to fade with a little pride breaking through like that sunshine breaking through those trees back there, I notice the hawk circling overhead and my heart jumps a little – it isn’t going to dive bomb you calm yourself- FOCUS on that pride why is it there. Well dear reader it is there because for nearly two years I have been on a journey, one that hasn’t been easy and at times I have crawled like Anakin Skywalker sliding into that lava in Star Wars.
“Without struggle there is no victory”
This journey has been bumpy, and I’ve taken many wrong turns along the way but there are achievements in there: two independent, strong willed, decision making young children to start with, mental health workshops which were successful. Drawing, writing, dancing these are your talents, the Psychology part that is learned, it comes from a place of passion. I’ve lost my pace… I’m walking again, this is not a run I’d hoped for.
“You don’t grow in the good times when everything is going your way. You grow when there is pressure.”
I’m back in the trees they are different, warmer, richer. The deer are out today I stop to take in that scenic view, I strain my eyes enough they become unfocused and they are there the fairies… Yip I know a grown woman believing in fairies. However, let me give you food for thought how you can see and accept the beauty of the world or the inhabitants of it if you do not see a little magic along the way. Believe me I am not asking you to see fairies or other magical creatures just find something magical about where you are. A speech I heard once pops into my head “find your broom” ignore the little brooms with pales crossing in front of you right now Mickey Mouse will deal with them, I’m referring to that connection with other people. When it comes to making that choice of the journey its never easy and why would we want it to be, if it was easy would we grow?
“Ease is a greater threat to progress than hardship.”
Focus…. Breathe…. Now start running, find your centre and keep running no more distractions. As Mr Blue Sky kicks in, I’m smiling more than the Cheshire cat as the sun begins to burn my sweat covered face. There is a smell of damp moss, and wood in the air, matched with the tweeting of birds, I’m so into this tune I run straight past my favourite little water fall no more distractions to the gate’s riders of Rohan.
Or not… the dreaded wall, the hardest part of this route, with air burning in my lungs I’m slowly giving up. What I need now is Chris Evans in his Captain America costume to say on your left and run past me, that would get me up the hill, or Robert Downey JR as ironman – who am I kidding at this point not even Howard the Duck can get me up this thing. Suddenly sadness hits and I’m frozen panting like scooby doo – only covered in sweat not drool – You see there is nothing like witnessing deforestation, a once warm full of life piece of land now lies dry and broken. Groot and Treebeard aren’t going to like this at all, now run. Here it comes the same spot different day and through the headphone comes Don’t fear the reaper (yes reader I am aware it is a strange choice of running music) this is it… the darkness is coming for me where are Dean and Sam Winchester in that amazing Impala car when I need them, will I at least hear a witty comment from Crowley before it happens?
Frantically I hit for a change in song, running lopsided past the house with the floating door, oh look the owner just to add to the embarrassment – Beam me up Scotty, seriously please they are looking at me funny. Just keep running, you are on the home stretch now, not far pick up the pace you got this. Now all I need is Creed to run next to me with words of encouragement, there it is the gate to freedom cue the rocky music hands in the air for the finish. Woops I’m on the ground tears stream down my face from the laughter, the cold-water soaks through the running top but it’s done, and it worked.
I am so far away from the end of this journey – I feel it’s hardly began – but the main point of this, is to keep going, find something that takes away from the pain of what your going through believe me I have a story full of dead characters as a way of venting my frustrations, as well as a pile of art work doomed to never see the light of day but I survived and I will continue to. The reality for me is allowing people into my head through this silly tale is terrifying but what seems one way to me could be a lifeline or guide to someone else.
I did not come this far to just come this far.
Oh and yes dear reader I paid dearly for that little tumble 😊