It’s that time again dear readers, yip you guessed more
ramblings of an overthinking mind. I will be honest this is something that I
say often even when I don’t want to, its that old being hard on myself trick
that I have perfected over the years but imagine if for once that changed….
What if the imagination took over. I find that people will look at my sketches
and follow a compliment up with a criticism of themselves “I can’t draw”
STOP…. of course, you can since the age you first picked up
a pencil you have been able to draw and even now as an “adult” you can still
draw your imagination has just gotten a little filled with other things…. you
don’t believe me? Ok let’s try a little something to wake up the imagination
and prove that you can in fact draw…. get yourself a piece of paper and a
pencil now I would like you to think about a dog, really think about it what
colour is it? How big is it? Does it have floppy ears? You get the idea now
draw it.
Wow that is amazing…… here is the point and a fun fact probably no one has drawn that exact dog in that way because our little…. sorry big imaginations all work very different. Do you think Picasso looked at his work and said I can’t draw? Of course, he didn’t…. so why are you? This may come as a surprise to you but we are all so wonderfully unique that no one could draw like him, they may come close but it wouldn’t be anything like it and that is the beauty of the mind.
Don’t get me wrong I say it often out of fear and then anxiety takes over and before you know it, I’ve talked myself out of doing something and I’m an over thinker, so I ponder it. Then I think of my kids who will use these words a million times a day and usually when I’ve asked them to pick up something or tidy…. but I would hate to think that they walked around thinking that they couldn’t do something because they fear it or its difficult. My son for example is a budding artist but “I can’t draw like that… how is that possible?” and my response “yet…. you can’t draw like that yet” and so I would say the same to you all use the power of yet watch how it changes your whole outlook. A change of mindset might just be the key to unlocking your potential, here are some examples to try….
I don’t understand this………………………………………. what am I missing?
This is too hard………………………………………………. This may take some time.
I can’t do this………………………………………. I’m going to work on this
until I can.
Practice…. No athlete in the world was born with the ability
to do something they practiced, they visualised, and they worked consistently….
Dream big, do what you feel passionate about stop letting other people tell you
what you can’t do… you can but without that consistency you will never finish.
“failure is a sign that you are trying”
So don’t be afraid to fail, look at your blue print of your
life that you have created for yourself are you were you thought you would be
alter it if you need to but ask yourself are you reaching that potential, are
you happy with it? If there is something in there you are not then work on
changing it, find that new dream and set goals to reaching it…… remember dreams
without goals are just that……. dreams.
Every Sunday I sit at my laptop and madly hit the letters on
the keyboard and pray my ramblings make a little sense to someone, I sit late
at night too with a little panic because I’m trying to create that consistency
waging an internal war with myself “I can’t write” and a few months ago I would
have closed the laptop and given up resigned to the mindset. I believe I can
write…. just not well but there is a little voice in there somewhere kind of muffled
like it’s trapped in a wardrobe…. Possibly Narnia (maybe it’s Liam Neeson as
Aslan, just hopefully not the voice from Taken) anyway its there and it says
“Every failed experiment is a step closer to success”
So I wake up every Monday at crazy o’clock, I switch on the
laptop followed by the kettle and once I have the perfect brew in my cup I sit
down to edit and then filled with dread that it is awful I post it. I keep
coming back, out of passion or maybe I’ve listened to the wrong people and
thoughts for far too long and I long for that freedom of being just me…. and
with time who knows I may start believing in myself, because I should and
should all of you dear readers.
Think of it this way, does the sun stay in bed because no
one can look at it they do the moon…. no, it rises each day filled with the
same warmth and bringing with it the potential for anyone brave enough to Carpe
diem. On the other side of that coin does the moon not rise because it can’t
compete with the sun of course not because with the moon comes the self-reflection
of those fails, plans and the dreams. Both are equally beautiful, and so are
you.
The truth is each and everyone of us has the power and drive
to do things for ourselves…. still don’t believe me? No? well dear readers your
still with me reading this with your morning brew or on your morning commute or
dare I say it in your bathroom. I know it doesn’t seem like much but STOP…….
Stop selling yourself short with things that little thing of reading a silly
little blog is an ember…. an ember to the start of a fire, just think if you
have the drive to read something when others would have passed it by think what
else you could do.
The town was still, and the last lantern of the night had
burned out leaving only the moonlight. Ryker’s guard became lazy at this hour
providing a window of opportunity for anyone brave enough to seize it. Lurking
in the shadows a figure waited… as the main guard passed a female voice called
out. The guard startled by the voice went to investigate but he met his death
before he could raise the alarm.
The young women bent down taking the keys with a smirk,
quickly she unlocked the door and disappeared within the castle walls. She
stuck to the walls and dark corridors, winding her way up the stairs and to the
door of Ryker’s bedroom door…. it stood ajar; fire light flickered across the
corridor. A knife slipped from its hiding place and into the girl’s hand as she
slipped into the room, Ryker sat in a chair facing the window, an untouched
goblet sat on the table next to him.
“Nadora, I’ve been expecting you”
When he spoke, there was such calmness but an undertone of
malice behind the words, in the firelight she saw a cruel smile rise in the
corner of his mouth.
“the guards alerted me to my daughter being out of the city,
which normally they are alerted to so naturally I looked into this…. My
daughter was practicing with a blade all afternoon, which left me with only one
other conclusion…… you”
“you killed my mother and hold my sister as a slave…” the
girl spat
“is that what those nasty druids told you?” Ryker was now
walking towards her shaking his head.
“my dear child I would never do such a thing…. I loved your
mother very much and as for your sister she is free to travel from time to time
in fact she is one of the greatest hunters of my kingdom.”
Rage began to build, and a hot anger pulsed through Nadora’s
veins, she was about to lunge at Ryker when she felt a presence, something
moved in the shadows… in her distraction she felt the cold blade press against
her neck
“it was kind of foolish coming here to kill my father” the
voice was soft and yet commanding. Ryker clapped his hands together in triumph.
Instinct took over and Nadora who had been in many situations like this one
turned to instinct, she pulled the strangers arm closer slightly nicking her
neck as she pulled it down, using her weight to flip the stranger to the floor.
The girl got ready to spring to attack but as she looked upon Nadora she gasped
scrambling backwards
“what trickery is this?”
“Aidene it is me….”
“who are you?”
“I’m….” the guards sprang behind her restraining her to
prevent her from speaking or moving
“father…. what is going on?”
“tricks and disgusting magic by my enemies, and they wonder
why I enforce the laws in the way that I do” he turned to the guards
“find out who sent her and what ever else you can and then
do what you must”
“father, who is she?”
“I told you it doesn’t matter who she is and after tomorrow
you will not need to worry about her…. Take her away now.” He waved his hand dismissing
the guards.
Nadora was roughly removed from the room as Aidene looked on
hopeless, Ryker walked around his daughter striking her across the face.
“if you hadn’t of hesitated then we wouldn’t have this mess”
his face was angry
She hung her head, a tear rolling down her cheek “I am sorry
father it……. It won’t happen again”
He wiped the tear from her cheek, “we are only human child,
only a moment of weakness that I don’t think will repeat itself…. now the
guards will walk you to your room, you need your rest.”
She kissed her father’s hand “as you wish father” she left
the room closely followed by the guards,
As she walked thoughts were swimming through her head what
had she just witnessed, why would her father’s enemies send someone that looked
like her to kill him and why did this stranger act like they knew each other.
Something about the stranger made Aidene feel uneasy…. She needed answers she
stopped walking turning to the guards.
“don’t you lot have something better to be doing?”
The guard was young not much older than she was “orders are
orders princess”
“so no, then?”
“I will return to my duties soon enough”
“I am perfectly capable of taking myself to my room it is
only one left down the hall and a right BOOM my room”
“just trying to keep you safe”
“safe? You know I am a hunter for this kingdom, the food you
and my father fill your bellies with killed by my hands.”
“I do princess”
“not to mention the monsters I have faced, without a single
guard by my side” she pulled herself up taller walking towards the guard now
filled with an arrogance.
He bowed and turned down the hall again. Aidene ran down the
halls to her room almost crashing through the door, she paced the floor how
would she get to the dungeon without being detected? The moon shone onto the
floor of her dark room, she threw open the window and climbed out onto the
ledge, the cold night air of a full moon took her breathe away for a moment.
Her years of hunting in the wild had taught her many skills and so she scaled
down the side of the castle with ease, until she reached the servants quarters.
Aidene had ventured here many times with her kills to be cooked and knew her
way around well enough but the servants feared Ryker too much to be trusted not
to fetch a guard, so had to take care here or she would never make the dungeon.
Nadora lay on the cell floor in the light of the moon
coldness filled the dungeon, she wept her only chance to save Aidene was gone
in a moment of weakness and tomorrow she was set to die after the guards were
finished with her of course.
“now there… there pretty it will all be over soon” the guard
rattled the bars as he spoke a smile crossing his grotesque face.
He disappeared up the stairs and then….
“what are you doing down here……” the guard landed at the
bottom of the stairs with a great thud
Nadora got to her feet, shaking a look of fear crossed her
face as footsteps echoing around the dungeon now. Aidene descended the stairs
kicking the guard hard as she passed, other prisoners were now stirring in the
commotion.
“I have so many questions and I fear I may never get the
answers…. who are you? How do you know me?”
“my name is Nadora and I am your sister” a weak smile
crossed Nadora’s face.
“I have no sister”
“no?”
“you heard me”
“then that scar on your left hand…. how do you explain
that?”
“i…. I don’t know”
“you fell off a horse trying to jump a fence”
“how do you know?”
“I dared you to do it…. we are twins you and I” Nadora smile
grew.
“My father is Ryker and my mother lived here with us”
“no, your mother and father were artists who lived with a
group of druids…. Ryker killed your father and kidnaped you and our mother, but
she refused to settle, and she too was killed”
“your lying”
“no, I speak the truth…. Have you ever felt like something
wasn’t right with your life or the way he treats you?”
Nadora pulled a locket from her dress handing it to Aidene,
who opened it to find two pictures one of her as a child and the other of her
sister. Her eyes filled with tears; her mind raced as the guard let out a
groan.
Shaking she raced over clumsily grabbing the keys from the
guard and rushed around the dungeon unlocking all the doors.
Nadora called out “what are you doing?”
“we will never make it out of these walls without a
distraction…. ALL OF YOU ARE FREE…. NOW RUN”
They all thanked her as Aidene unlocked the cell holding
Nadora
“he will kill us both”
“only if he catches us Aidene, you much stay strong and help
me get out of here and then I will help you”
They bolted up the stairs, being greeted by the commotion of
the freed prisoners, the servants and some guards all fighting. Aidene became
panicked and seemed lost for a moment, Nadora pulled her into a room which lay
empty.
“Aidene… please where do we go”
She took a deep breath taking in her surroundings, they were
in the kitchen store and if they headed to the room on the right, they would
find the servants passage then three floors would take them to the servant’s
entrance. Aidene signalled for Nadora to wait, she walked into the room where
guards were eating
“QUICK the prisoners have escaped…. What are you all doing
go help round them up”
The guards almost fell off their stools in fright, but they
grabbed their weapons and rushed out, Aidene called for her sister and together
they ran all the stairs with ease, bursting out of the outer door and into the
night. Aidene fell to the ground sick
panic taking over, her sister stooped over placing an arm around her shoulder
and pulling her onto her feet with a weak smile. The sound of clinking armour
made Nadora pull them both into the shadows, she signalled to her sister to
stay silent and to follow her. They made it out of the gates when a great cry
from the castle made them freeze
“AIDENE” It had come from Ryker himself
Nadora didn’t wait she grabbed her sisters’ hand and pulled
her into the darkness of the city, they wound their way through the streets to
a graveyard, entering a crypt…. or so Aidene thought, once inside she realised
that they were in fact inside an entrance hall.
“where are we?”
“I thought a great hunter like you would know” joked Nadora
Aidene raised an eyebrow “hardly a time for joking is it?”
“I think so”
“Of course, you do…. Now answer the question please”
“we are in the smugglers tunnels”
“how?”
“well I am a smuggler by trade really…. so free passage and
if we follow the tunnels, we will make it out of the city by night fall
tomorrow”
“and then what?”
“well…. whatever you feel like… personally I want the death
of Ryker”
“then why risk your life to save me?”
“well you are my sister dummy…. But you should rest”
The sisters rested for many hours before Nadora stirred
Aidene, then rummaged through several barrels making packs for them both. Then
they began their hike through the uneven tunnels, as they walked Aidene quizzed
Nadora about her life and their real parents. Nadora explained why she wanted
revenge so badly and how she had found herself in the employment of smugglers
and the life she had with it, they spoke of stories they had heard of and
Aidene challenged her on the tale of the girl who entered the under water realm
of the sea king and was granted powers.
“Nadora…. When we get out of this wretched tunnel….”
“yes?”
“where do we go?”
“well I would tell you…. But given your lack of belief in
magic I shall hold onto that for now”
True to her word they left the tunnels at sundown the
following day, and for several days the girls wandered through the wild country
that surrounded the city, Nadora who was overly cautious made them stay off the
pathways and the journey was made harder from this
“the guards might be watching the roads”
On several occasions it seemed as if she was looking for
something but got lost along the way, turning back onto the way they had just
came. Then one night she stopped
“we are here”
Aidene looked at her like she had lost her mind.
“erm… Nadora… there is nothing here just a clearing”
“precisely” she signalled for her sister to wait.
Aidene watched as her sister Nadora appeared to knock gently
on thin air, a confused look crossed her face when she did it again only this
time seemingly a little harder. A great white light burst forward from nowhere
followed by a little voice.
“oh crap” and with that the light was gone.
Aidene rushed to Nadora’s side who was now banging on air
with her fists and then she kicked it, only it made a thud, she threw her hands
up.
“this guy…. some friend he is”
“friend?” Aidene was even more confused.
“LORCAN LIGHTFOOT YOU OWE ME…… NOW OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR”
Since it’s world mental health day…….. it’s ok to not be ok…….. it’s ok to talk…….. every day is mental health day.
Do me a favour get a pen and piece of paper, got it? Ok now
look at the picture above…. I mean really look at it.
No this is not some trick it has a purpose, so now I would
like you to write down what you see, really take it in, what is it? What does
it mean to you? Now if you will excuse me there is a jar of heaven… I mean
taffy calling I will be right back.
Ok so what did I miss…. oh yes writing what you see, if my
calculations are right which they might not be (I’m a writer not a
mathematician), but did you write about that black dot? what about that white
area? Didn’t write about it huh…. don’t feel bad the first time I did this
exercise I didn’t either.
You see I focused so hard on that black dot, filled with negativity,
coldness, heaviness and all consuming. The colour washed over me and the
thoughts that followed took that tone.
However, there is another part to that picture, yip the
white part…. white a sign of purity, simplicity, opportunity and reflection.
Let that settle in for a minute, it is like most things in life we see the bad
and never notice the good and there is where most of our energy is focused
But what if we could change that?
Ask yourself would you say the following to a loved one or
better yet a child?
You look awful
You’re not enough
You can’t do it
No? I had hoped not if the answer was yes yikes…. Now ask
yourself why are you having these daily dialogues with yourself? Why not try to
change it, I know it’s not easy, but it is the start of the journey. Believe me
I know how hard this is, to be honest if negative self-talk was an Olympic sport,
I’d get the gold, but I am still on the road and wanted some company. The best explanation I’ve ever heard of this
is
“we all have two wolves; both are hungry we just have to chose which one to feed and work a little harder at it”
Matthew McConaughey
If you are interested in this a little more I highly recommend reading the Two Wolves story, which was introduced to me by one of my amazing blog followers.
So now let’s try a little self-love or positive self-talk, take yourself a toddle to a mirror I can wait for you but when you get there look at yourself in there…. give yourself a wave, now close your eyes and say something positive to yourself for example
“It’s ok. No matter what happens, I can handle it”
Now open your eyes repeat it a little louder, louder. LOUDER… phew I feel better now, practice this morning and night, during the bad times and the good times. Most important with each vocalisation take a note of the look in your eyes and the changes in your facial expression….. smiling yet? good
Remember we become what we believe
“people who believe that they can and people who believe they can’t are usually right”
One of my methods of trying to tackle this has been a
thought journal where I write down the negative, look for a way to change it,
and get rid of the thought. There are a million resources out there when you
feel ready to start this journey but let me leave you with this message
YOU ARE STRONG
YOU ARE ENOUGH
YOU ARE IN CONTROL
YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO.
Now toddle back to that mirror and tell yourself these things
over and over again watch how your whole perception changes, but I hope this
kind of lingers with you a little today so when you work colleagues get in your
face and you feel like giving up, or you have an argument with a loved one or
someone tries to put you down….. replay this in your head or let Pooh bear
tumble in there with his words, he is much better at than I (I better go write
that thought down)
Yip here we all are just winging our way through this
amazing, terrifying, fun, confusing, unpredictable often exciting thing
called….. life.
No matter how much we plan or want things in life it rarely
works out that way and if it has for you congratulations. I was having a
discussion the other day about this very topic and as conversations often do, I
began thinking even more about the words, you see when I was younger I wanted
two things kids and to settle in New Zealand. I know your probably thinking
like so many other people I have crossed paths with over the years…. Its not
really a career of any kind, and I understand your thinking. Life happens and
sadly due to other people’s opinions getting way too far in my head I haven’t
travelled the world or settled in New Zealand, some day…. But I am a mother and
it is more than I could ever imagined.
If you were ever looking for evidence that we are all
winging it just look at parents, I know if you don’t have kids this is topic
will make you yawn but it’s the purest example. My whole life I wanted kids, I’d
spend hours imagining what they would look like, the personalities they would
have but mostly the kind of mother I’d be. So, when the time came to pee on
that stick I felt ready for this amazing adventure into mother hood I had it
all planned out in my head, id read all the books I faced it all head on. I had
listened to all the arguments of that is your life over once you have kids blah
blah blah…. Bring it on.
Well that was an interesting nine months, hunger like I’d
never felt before, being annoyed and angry with most people over silly little
things, there was tiredness that meant that if I was still awake after 2pm in
the afternoon I was of no use to anyone and as my partner found out likely to
fall asleep mid conversation with you.
As the months progressed and I grew in size, people gave me there “words
of wisdom” of parenthood and still I believed I was ready for it despite the
horror birthing stories. Then one night it happened… labour, right in the
middle of the night, so I took myself downstairs popped on David Attenbrough
and did laps of the coffee table stopping now and then to make sure the
foundations of the house were still sturdy. I would wipe the sweat from my brow
and tears from my eyes and then pace some more trying to focus on David’s
soothing tones, but all I really heard in my head was “here we see the old mother
preparing herself for the birth of her offspring” it seemed to never end and
the pain intensified until I called the midwife “take two paracetamol, have a
bath and try and get some sleep”
Really? But it worked and 23 hours from when it all started
he was here, as the midwife placed him on my chest for skin to skin contact my
little boy who I had talked to, tolerated the heart burn and kicking for 9
months peed on me. Still it was love like I’ve never felt and the dream was a
reality, I endured the silly comments of “you look tired and pale for visiting
time and then basked in the glory of being alone with this little person and
the peace that came with him.
BOOM REALITY
Sleepless nights, poo galore, nappies on backwards,
projectile vomit but in spite of all of that I wanted more kids. The midwives
told me it was hormones and I would change my mind but I didn’t, but I changed
things that I would have taken like a pinch of salt clung to me feeding my self
esteem turning it negative, suddenly I had to deal with things I never had
before… thank goodness I had my partner looking out for me.
There were a thousand memories of those years as a family of
three like the time he took his nappy off I wont share too much you might be
eating, we had to find solutions to many problems that is all trial and error.
I have heard many people say that sometimes you need to take a break from your
kids and its true you do for their sake and yours, if I learned anything in the
first few years it was just wing it and ignore everyone else’s views on the
matter.
Baby number two was to be different, I was determined and so
I had all the plans set in my head, only a rather eventful pregnancy made me
worry that our little lady wouldn’t make it. Again, its that thing called
life…. But she did thankfully four weeks ahead of schedule, the birth was the
most amazing experience compared to my sons. She was born in a birthing pool we
laughed and joked with the midwife who laughed at me after ever contraction
because I zoned out and in of the conversation like I was never in pain.
Towards the end I was asking her what I was even thinking having another baby,
she would give me my answer when I lifted my daughter out of the water and then
she peed on me. Emotions are a terrible thing especially other peoples, my
plans fell apart and because of that I felt that something was missing, however
the poo continued, projectile vomit, crying and not sleeping were all there
just like before.
The feeling of failure that followed was something I never
planned for, I had never experienced it before and I wouldn’t wish it on
anyone, it is a battle I continue to struggle with now. I wish I could go back
and tell myself that it is ok to not have that connection and it doesn’t make
you terrible.
My son is nearing 9 now and I can honestly say that all those years have been filled with trial and error, changing beliefs, finding our own way in this parenting world. There are times where I question how I am as a mother because I am so far from the dream one I imagined I would be, but I just remind myself that life has a funny way of guiding us and I am learning to be open to that. I do know that all that winging it has helped to developed two independent, clever, problem solving, funny, playful and downright amazing children. I’m pretty sure I’ve made a few mistakes along the way and I know I lost myself a little too, but it’s all part of the fun and journey….. I’m just working on enjoying finding my path.
So, there you have it an example of winging it, in the
purest form but think about it dear readers there must be something in your own
life…. Life is this wonderful thing that we all have, and we continue to be on
the pursuit of happiness within it, some of us struggle more than others in
that pursuit but we keep pushing through. Be proud of any and every step
towards progress you make, and every step back is just part of the process not
a failing.
“if you have a dream you have to protect it don’t let anyone take it from you”
Sometimes the best things in life are the things we are not
ready for so just keep winging it your doing great 😊
“There I was on the banks of the river, a diversion from my stroll home from the tavern the morning drawing in, bathing the hilltops in its warming glow. Yet the clouds held a grey tone and how they lingered around the slopes…. those slopes which hold so much life, a foundation for trees, grass and ferns”
He had their attention, with open jaws they stared at the halfling in awe, his trousers just below the knee, and his boots so worn that his hairy feet were now the sole. A deep red shirt was below his waistcoat and a small dagger hung at his waist, despite his flamboyant style the halfling blended into the crowd. The tavern was full tonight, much busier than usual…. he had the room; everyone’s attention was on him just the way he liked it. The smell of spilled ale filled the air, a roaring fire in the corner where strangers in dark cloaks hid in their darkness, the taverns owner was tall, and round and his booming laugh could be heard over the constant chatter.
“I had grown tired of this town and certain people’s power over me, bound to the rules and regulations of this world. In my frustration I threw a stone, the ripples pushed across the wide river once again pulling my eyes towards those peaks cloaked in green of the ghost like trees silently observing the world below and yet the hills were all that conversed with me, what was under that skirt of cloud? They called to me from across the water… I had to know”
The halfling began to sing, solemn at first but growing, and soon those gaping jaws of wonder were broad smiles and laughter, as the audience found their feet. Dancing around the room spilling more ale over the floor adding to its stickiness. The halfling bewitched the instruments and they started to play and encouraging the crowd with his words. Then he too started to dance, his overly hairy feet keeping time with the drum and his arms flowing with the sound of the flute and guitar.
As he snapped his case closed at the end of the night, heavy footsteps behind caused him to reach for his knife… he had been here before. A small bag landed at his foot with a clink as the tavern owners voice said
“you did good tonight, I’m sure they will be back”
The halfling smirked opening the bag, but it would fade just as quickly as it appeared upon seeing its contents.
“not much in here tonight”
The owner sighed
“that’s why the king’s men were here… demanding more money, they say it is a small price to pay for the protection they give us”
“PROTECTION” the halfling was furious
“I’m sorry Lorcan, truly I am”
“here” Lorcan threw the little bag and the owner fumbled to catch it with a confused look on his face.
“but it is your payment”
“Ah you need it more, but for the sake of the gods hide it for yourself, but when the world is right again and Ryker is gone I may return seeking that payment my old friend… well I must be off I need my handsome sleep after all see you tonight”
He picked up his case and left the tavern, the owner shouting thanks as the door swung shut. He stepped into the darkened street and the cold of the late-night air, it seemed that the town had come into an unusual cold spell… he started walking his halfling feet making no noise as he began to whistle. Voices ahead caused him to freeze…
“you hear that?”
Lorcan became frantic as thoughts of guards filled his head,
he quickly turned down an alley, in his panic he had become less than quiet,
and the guards were drawn to the sound of his reckless feet and they were fast.
As Lorcan ran past one of the houses he was grabbed from behind and hauled into
a doorway hidden in the shadows. Wriggling and squirming against the muscular
figure now holding him, he heard the guards when the figure softly spoke in his
ear
“I’m not going to hurt you but if you don’t stop, we will
both be in trouble”
A sense of calm filled the halfling, the guards clinking
armour filling his ears, the coldness of the arm holding him mixed with the
roughness of the stranger’s skin…. He sensed that there was something different
about this stranger. When the guards
were a safe distance the stranger placed the halfling on the ground, his giant
claw like hand ruffling Lorcan’s hair.
“thanks” Lorcan said with a tut
The stranger chuckled
“you should be more careful little one”
“my name is Lorcan thank you very much and I made no comment
on what you are” retorted the halfling
The stranger’s eyes narrowed, and he took a step towards the
halfling pulling himself taller as he spoke,
“what am I exactly?”
“a stranger in the night who has saved me” but Lorcan was
stubborn and no fear took over him as he stood his ground against the stranger.
“I meant no offence lit…. Lorcan. But you should be more
careful with magic”
“ahh those guards were too drunk to notice what was really
going on”
“but tales from a drunken guard will spread to a not so
drunken one”
The stranger’s words made the halfling pause, then he
reached into his bag and pulling out a small pouch he threw it to the stranger
with a clink as a large hand caught it.
“for your troubles.”
“I thought you didn’t take the owners money” the stranger
said with a suspicious look.
“I didn’t and have you been following me?”
“goodnight Lorcan” with that the stranger disappeared onto
the rooftop of the houses and was gone.
Lorcan pulled his cloak tightly around him shielding the halfling
from the cold air as he murmured to himself “show off”
He chose his path home carefully making his way to the
outskirts of the town, checking his surroundings for and signs of life the
halfling reached out his had and a small clink of a lock echoed around. He
dashed into the open and a great light burst forth, and quickly disappeared and
with it Lorcan.
In the morning tales of Lorcan had spread through the town,
growing with each retelling of them, that night would see the tavern even more
full of individuals drinking ale and waiting the marvellous storyteller and his
tricks. When Lorcan finally made his appearance, he was greeted with cheers and
one man lifted him and carried him to the stage. Tonight, Lorcan was wearing a
cap with a large pheasant feather stuck in the rim, he bowed
“I thought I might at least get a drink first, but if it is
a story you want who am I to disappoint….”
The man who lifted him to the stage slid a tankard of ale
across the stage to the halflings hairy feet.
“why thank you sir… now where to begin tonight…. I know….
There is a tale I heard of a dragonborn, his skin whiter than snow they say he
comes from a fishing village and that he has great power. So great that he
destroyed that village with his magic”
The crowd was his once more, he began to sing and just like
the night before it grew, and the larger crowd shook the taverns walls as they
danced. Lorcan never missed a beat and once again he bewitched those
instruments into life…. it was at that moment that the man who carried him to
the stage and slipped him the ale smashed a bottle on the bar and his booming
voice could be heard over the noise.
“YOU”
Silence followed and the guards sprung to there feet some
had disguised themselves are civilians and now revealed themselves to the
crowd. The speaker was the lead guard and he was furious.
“we have rules you know”
“I thought they were guidelines” though he looked calm the
halfling was frantically looking for an escape, but the guards it seems had
covered all the windows.
“this isn’t funny”
“oh, I know that’s why I didn’t laugh”
“you have broken the law and you will be punished”
“fine, what is your price? 10? 20? 30 gold? I have it here in
my pack… actually you can have it all, it was yours to begin with anyway”
The lead guard was shocked for a moment
“you little thief”
“HEY, there is no need for name calling that is rude and
hurtful”
The crowd snorted back laughter at the exchange for no one
ever stood up to the king’s guard
“the punishment for magic is…. death”
“WOW, wow, wow lets talk about this really guys it’s not
like I’m breaking down the castle gates and bewitching the king”
“your right, that would be too easy. Let’s feed parts of you
to the hounds….”
“death you say? I like it come on then let’s not dally on
the matter”
The guards had come behind the halfling and seized him,
gagging his mouth to stop him speaking magic. The halfling was brave but he was
no match for two men twice his size, they forced him to his knees in front of
their master a cruel smirk on his face as he drew his sword.
The door of the tavern blew open and a swirling storm of
cold filled the room, a blizzard blocking their view as the lead guard was
knocked off his feet. Rough hands picked the halfling up and ran into the
night, when they were a safe distance from the tavern Lorcan was placed on the
ground, ungagged and unbound. The
halfling struggled to catch his breathe as he looked up at the tall figure in
front of him.
“you?”
“your welcome”
“oh apologies, thank you for saving me back there”
“it seems you don’t take heed of warnings”
“I do, I just enjoy the excitement of pushing limits”
“well you have certainly done that Lorcan, now I should get
going before this place is crawling with guards and so should you”
“wait…. I have somewhere we could at least rest away from
the town until tomorrow night”
“you are an unusual fellow Lorcan…. But we?”
The halfling smirked “well I’m safer with you and you need
me for tonight so yeah we”
“lead the way then before I change my mind”
The halfling lead the stranger through the town, but the
journey was a slow one every turn they found guards. In frustration the
stranger lifted Lorcan and scrambled onto the roofs, placing the halfling onto
his back and whispering
“Point the way”
Lorcan pointed straight ahead, they made it out of the town
with a few close calls, but they were safe.
“now where?”
“just up this hill my friend”
“I only see a cave”
“best get a shuffle on then” the halfling said with a smirk
When they reached the cave Lorcan reached his hand out, a
bright light filling the cave and then it was gone.
The stranger now stood in a wooden hallway with low rounded
ceilings, it was warmly lit and throughout the hallway round doors could be
seen on each side, he had to stoop down to keep from banging his head. Lorcan
could be heard bustling away in some distant room
“Lorcan…. Lorcan, where are we?”
The halfling yelled from a room
“ah well this is my house…. or it was…. I’m not sure which
really if I’m honest”
“I think you better explain it to me”
The stranger had located the halfling who was darting
between rooms cooking and preparing a bed, the stranger was so busy staring at
him in wonder that he did not notice the low beam hitting his head with a thump.
The halfling sprang to action grabbing a cold cloth out of instinct and rushing
to give it to the stranger
“oh my, my, my…. apologies my friend, when I made this place
this morning, I didn’t anticipate visitors of your size”
I would just like to point out that this is just me sorting
through some thoughts swirling round my head and not me trying to give life
advice or anything but if anyone finds it interesting then YAY me and always
thanks for reading.
The road to happiness is a bumpy and winding one, and along the way we are likely to get lost on the way to that joy. Joy…what is it? Well it is described as:
“Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness, or an instance of such feeling.”
English dictionary
Huh, its odd that it would be described as an instance of a
feeling when so many of us have become preoccupied with this continuous state
that is happy, we place our happiness in other people, things and we look for
that acceptance from others…. But what happened to our being happy in
ourselves, with ourselves for ourselves, where did all the self-love go?
For me joy changes with each year, month and day. Not so
long ago happiness was sitting around a camp fire in the North of Scotland at
Halloween drinking way too much and being so sick only to wake up the next day
sitting wrapped in a duvet praying the bacon roll you just ate stays down,
happiness now is looking back on that moment and knowing that there will be
friends reading this laughing and it will have the snowball effect of
memories. There is that time in Glencoe
when upon choosing the wrong place to camp led to the worst night, the night
the wind blew those tents flat… happiness now is remembering the laughs of that
night and waking up to the most amazingly calm morning. I can honestly say that
since 2010 my life has been filled with moments of such joy which grew in 2014
because of my amazing children, and every day even when they are dark these two
little humans can make me laugh and fill me with pride.
The human mind is so powerful on one hand it can drive you,
give you purpose and on the other hand it has the power of destruction, filling
you with fear and doubt and yet… humans have the power of choice. The power to
make decisions is in our control, we can’t fix everything of course we can’t
but we can transform a moment don’t believe me. Well dear reader maybe you
didn’t read as well as you thought you did sure I’m looking back, but the
principle is the same every moment we are one choice away from drive or
destruction. Courage… that’s the hard part, in looking for that happiness in
things and the people around us it is easy to forget that you are you, fully
capable of making decisions and finding power in them.
It took falling to help me figure it out, it is easy to be positive when things are going your way but when you’re struggling you loose all perspective wrapped in the thoughts of negativity, ready to surrender to them, ready waiting in the darkness to give up. Completely convinced of that destructive thought pattern is true, and then you see it a little star it is faint but its there and suddenly you latch onto it. But ease is the greatest threat to progress…. Baby steps… the smallest step can be all the difference
“Small steps lead to big accomplishments”
Oprah
Take back that control of you, there will always be people
who doubt you, tear you down by any means, their will be people who will mean
well and offer help and advice, push you and this is wonderful but here is the
kicker it all comes down to YOU, if you are not in love with you this kind of
support can make you feel you’ve made no progress at all. If you can be truly
happy with you in every aspect of you then one day will be your moment, you
will open yourself up to the world and embrace it with your new found drive.
I’m going to rebuild myself…. yip one little layer at a time
no matter how long it takes… it will happen.
Now to the joy of painting… don’t get yourself all worked up
I haven’t forgotten although that is slightly surprising for me. Now dear
readers there are no happy little trees here, I am no Bob Ross and if you don’t
know who that is please YouTube it. So here it is, you may want to sit down for
this, but I love to decorate…. yip the whole process start to finish. The very
first time I walked into my house I knew what I wanted to do with it I pictured
the furniture and the colour schemes, fast forward almost 13 years to March
2019.
“Let’s get new heating system put in”
These words were like music to my ears, it was time after
years of making do I could get the ideas out of my head and onto my walls. If
you have never been through the process… turns out it’s a slow one but within a
few months the time had come my little friends to strip the wallpaper. As luck
would have it the plaster came with it too, just as well a plasterer had been
lined up really, the horrible artexed ceiling was ripped from its secure
position to. In the process of waiting for different stages to be completed I decorated
two kids rooms and a hallway. Joy… pure
joy, I had to put up with a lot of negativity along the way being told I was
too creative and doing too much and maybe I was but when you become unhappy
with your surroundings you change them as best you can.
I know it sounds like a contradiction but allow me to
explain my happiness is not in the house and it’s amazing contents which now
reside within its walls… no the joy comes from the fact that despite the doubt
that threatened the progress and drive for this wonderful place I call home, it
was overcome and I was able to express my true self through out the process and
that is something.
But that it was my first step, without which I would never
have dreamed of starting this blog, my sketches I believe to be terrible would
lay somewhere never to be seen and I would never dream of sharing what I find
to be silly writings with anyone let alone the world. I made the terrifying
choice to look into a life coaching course and then booked it, a choice I have
to say terrifies me but I will do it because it is something that drives me a
passion and I am starting to believe I can do anything if I set my mind to it
all from the joy of painting.
Joy and happiness are fleeting, my advice go make yourself a happy box and when the world threatens to steal it from you go take it out open it and bask in its joy. Here a few suggestions from mine:
Any Disney movie (I don’t believe there is such a thing as favourite
one – personal choice)
A favourite chocolate.
A photo of friends.
A picture of your kid, nieces/nephews/ grandchildren you get
the idea.
A piece of clothing you can live without.
A scent, I have a bookcase full… yip the new book smell.
A song.
So dear readers keep working, keep striving, never give up, fall 7 times get up 8, believe in yourself and make your own happy.
Motivational speech videos.
They maybe things but they have the power to invoke that
moment and they can remind you that these moments are wonderful and worth the
struggle, because one day we are all going to find belief in ourselves and that
passion will take over.
“if you don’t build your dreams, someone will hire you to
build theirs.”
The war ended long ago, and a new power had risen, King
Ryker the rich as he had become known. The shift in the world of men had seen
the fay folk withdraw, a land which was once plentiful and full of trade now
done only in secret. King Exos had been killed and his bloodline decimated,
tales of what happened to those aided them spread throughout the lands. A seer had come to the king giving him a
warning that a group of strong and magical beings would destroy him, the seer
never left the castle and so the king turned his attention to the magical
beings throughout the land with the decree stating that they were to be
destroyed.
One village by the river on the out skirts of an elven city, took the risk depending on the elves skills in medicine and craft to survive. One man by the name of Silvius often wondered into the woodland realm, the elven children loved the wizard magic. As the years passed, he soon won the heart of the lady of these woods, Lady Melina. A tall slender woman with hair the colour of browning Autumn leaves and eyes as green as emeralds. As their love for each other grew, Melina knew that her people would never accept a man as their lord and yet…
Silvius lay awake, the early morning sun breaking through
the curtain, he looked at his beloved Melina asleep dressed all in white, her
hair like fire from the suns warming glow a small smile curled in the corner of
her soft pinkish lips as she lay dreaming. His hand brushed her shoulder
running down her arm to find a mass of curly hazel hair all tangled of their
daughter Nereida. The child lay with her leg over her mother and her little
hand twisted in her mother’s hair, Silvius laughed as he often did, at the
sight of his daughter sound asleep between them.
Nereida was both elven and human, she had the curiosity of
humans and the wisdom of the elves, but it came at a cost for she would never
be accepted by either of her heritage and no one understood her. With the way
the world had turned Melina had feared that to keep her daughter within the
city would cause her to be hunted by the kings men and their hounds, an evil
she couldn’t protect her daughter from, she made the heart breaking decision to
leave her in the care of her father in the little river village. Melina was
however a doting mother and could not bare to be without Nereida, and so every
day she would take her into the woods to teach her the ways of the elves. Her
daughter had a natural flare for magics and clearly understood nature well.
While she could not draw or play music, she could certainly take in its beauty
and enjoy it, Silvius made sure his daughter understood and had the skills
needed to survive in the world teaching her to fish and hunt, use her hands but
most of all expand her knowledge of magic. The family would live in peace and
joy but all things in this land Ryker would see it gone.
The years passed slowly for the elves, but Nereida it was
quick and as time would have it, she neared her 20th year and unlike
her peers it showed. Her father was gone
now along with the river village and its people, Ryker’s hounds and men had
seen to that, the morning of the attack Melina had taken her daughter to the
woods like she always did upon returning Nereida had seen something that still
haunts her dreams to this day. Her mother had been so consumed by grief that
she walked into the river and if it had not been for her daughters screams, she
too would have met a terrible fate. The lady took her daughter to the city to
be raised among the elves, they took pity on the girl but still did not accept
her, causing her to return to the ruined village for comfort. Nereida could find no peace and yearned for
more, there was nothing in the elven lore which could quench her thirst and more
time on her own gave her the chance to practice her magic, she longed for peace
to no longer having to hide and the suffering of the world to be over.
Melina found her daughter in the village now alive with
critters of the fey, tonight was different she handed her daughter a large
package wrapped in leaves.
“take this my child…. Someday your greatness will outshine
those stars. I see you on a great adventure, but you should seek out the help
of a dragonbourne with scales as white as the fallen snow”
She cupped her daughters face in her long fingers gently kissing her forehead and wished her goodnight. Melina withdrew into the trees and as she gazed upon her daughter, she knew in her heart that it was for the last time. Nereida settled herself and opened the package, inside lay enough provisions to last a week, jumping to her feet she began walking the whole time an internal argument of all the reasons she shouldn’t go coupled with all the reasons she could. It was then she realised that she had walked all the way to the border that for years her father had warned her never to cross…. A sudden rush filled her body as she took that step into the unknown, the guilt supressed by the building excitement she now felt.
Three days of walking would bring her to the sea and its menacing cliffs leering over her, she had to choose to go back or climb. Filled with determination she began her accent, but the weather grew unkind and a great storm set in fast. Her mind raced, filled with the horror stories of the villagers who told of trolls in the cliffs praying on the weak. Crashing waves, cracking lightening, and pounding rain, Nereida hands frozen and slippery from the rain. Great boulders began to fall, and fear of trolls consumed her, panic took its deathly grip on her heart as she scanned the darkness for help. a light or was it?… there it was again she crawled pulling herself in the direction as more boulders fell a burst of strength saw her dart into the mouth of a cave. She lay there, the hammering noise of the rain echoing around her as it bounced off the walls, she panted glancing up to see little lamp like eyes staring at her, but the bats didn’t seem to mind her presence.
Nereida found her feet soon enough and sneaked deeper into
the cave, finding nothing but a glowing blue pool at its heart. Picking up a
piece of drift wood she willed the end to light with fire, then she huddled
around it for warmth as the tiredness set in and the thoughts of giving up
filled her head.
“you have only just begun”
A male voice filled the cavern, Nereida filled with panic scanned around holding her torch up to help but there was nothing to be found. Uneasy she sat down, the pool seemed to be growing brighter or was its tiredness, she couldn’t take her eyes from it and eventually curiosity took over and she crept towards it edge…
The water burst forward wrapping itself around Nereida in a tight embrace pulling her down. The icy water shocked her system, the surface pulling away from her as she wildly tried to pull herself to its mocking surface. Nereida grew tired her legs and arms filled with pain with ever pull and still the water holds, her lungs now burn with the need for air. The taste of salt water hits her tongue and burns her throat, as the aching body gives in her final thought
“I will do anything to end the suffering of the world”
“Good”
Air rushed into Nereida lungs like the waves that had pulled
her in, short breaths burned like fire. She found herself on her hands and
knees under the water but breathing like on land. The quivering water that
surrounded her was hording its mighty power…. and it came again the voice.
“come my child there is much to discuss”
Sitting in a throne of gold was an older man but the body of
an octopus.
“your name…. you’re the god of the sea…Aruna my dad told
tales of you”
“smart man he was but to business”
“I’m yours now?”
“well child you don’t have to be, one click of my fingers and you can return to drowning”
Nereida full of concern was careful with her words
“what will you have me do?”
“nothing…. Well one day I will ask you to enter a body of
water and well you will never return”
“death?”
The old man laughed
“dear child no… but to live here, with me”
Tear ran down Nereida’s cheeks
“how long do I have up there?” she pointed to the surface.
“I can’t be bargained with…oh you were… I heard your thoughts,
and someone should wash your mouth out. But now you said you would do anything
and here I am offering”
“I didn’t… not what I meant…. What do I get in return?”
The god stood up and bobbing along on his tentacles towards her he spoke in a tone that was as soothing as the surrounding waters tune
“ah well I will give you the power and knowledge you seek to
end the suffering, I will guide and teach you and I will gift you this…”
He clicked his fingers and before her a great staff
appeared.
“you will become great and do amazing things in this world,
with the help of some soon to be friends”
“the dragonbourne?”
The god nodded, then he opened his muscular arms wide
awaiting a response.
Nereida walked over examining the staff, as she grew closer,
she felt a power ripple through her body and without thinking she reached out
and grabbed it. Panic filled her “no” and she let it go
“well…you let me know what you decide I can and will wait
for you”
The water grew dark and the only light came from the staff,
it was only now that she realised that even though she was cold her clothing
was dry.
“well Nereida you have got yourself into this perhaps with
his knowledge and power you can get yourself out of it or the dragonbourne can”
She kicked a giant shell screaming on frustration as she grabbed the staff again, her skin connected and a surge of energy blue in color seeped into her skin and then bursting from her in the form of a giant octopus. She broke the surface surrounded by the creature, causing the bats to flee into the morning sun.
Once on the shore the blue octopus evaporated into her chest as Nereida fell to her hands and knees she gasped for air, sorrow taking hold. Nereida lay crying as the voice of Aruna filled the cavern once more
“head East child that is where you find the help you seek”
Anger and determination filled her soul, as she pulled
herself together and once more began her ascent up the cliff in search of
adventure.
Here it comes the science-y bit, hey don’t huff at me its all about understanding. Now dear adventurer belief is described as being;
“an acceptance that something exists or is true, especially one without proof” (think Santa)
Or
“trust, faith or confidence in someone or something”
oxford dictionary
Belief has two sides: one is the moral frame work, steering relationships, side two is manifestations of prejudice to convince you of your lack of worth. Or if your looking for a movie reference that fits it is the edge of knife, stray just a little and it could lead to the destruction of all.
“be a fruitloop in a
bowl of cheerios”
Belief is the most powerful force in the human nature and yet we as individuals let it be controlled by outside sources, because for what ever reason we follow the crowd.
“I AM AN INTROVERTED EXTROVERT”
Oh good, phew you are all still awake now…now…. now before you all go getting yourselves excited and stand outside my top secret lair in protest allow me to explain.
After months and months of feeling sorry for myself and taking on the monstrous task – to be explained in another story – id had enough of looking for support and took a chance of reaching out to the greatest bunch of people i know… my friends. During this conversation it was mentioned that they were headed to Arran (pictured above) for a day out. So like any self respecting parent i asked my parents permission to attend the event and promised not to be home late.
Things were going well… until my 5am wake up call followed by a yellow weather warning for wind and rain, and that’s when it happened. What if the ferry was cancelled? what if it broke down? what if….. what if….. what if…..
It is in this moment of panic that it became a choice, spend another night scrolling social media feeling a little sad that you missed out or what if, you dress appropriately and get on the damn ferry…. a few hours later as the sun started to break through the clouds and ferry bobbed up and down as it left port that a voice from the group voiced what was running through my head “are we sure this is a good idea?” Too late now….. a 50 minute ferry journey with me inwardly panicking that i’d lost that connection with these people would see us pull into the port.
The rule of the day seemed to have been that we should have probably ditched the itinerary and went for good old winging it… for it was then we would have to wait an extended period of time for a bus.
“ive never heard of waiting on a bus being referred to as an adventure”
But why not… if Mary Poppins can make tidying ones room exciting and fun why cant waiting on a bus, besides if it wasn’t for that wait we wouldn’t have seen in my opinion one of the greatest hats, the umbrella hat. Having never been to Arran before i was rather quiet taking in the beauty of this magical island, the lush green leaves looking almost leathery from the earlier rain fall. The rolling hills in the background and the warmth of the sun we thought we would never see reaching through the glass to warm my face. Snapping out of it to get off the bus at a shop with puffin ornaments in the window when i learn that they in fact have the little beauties right here on the island…. instant longing to go find them, you see dear reader it has long since been a dream of mine to see them in the flesh. Why you ask well just look at them
you are welcome.
It was on the bus back to port after some great food and a few light refreshments, a hilarious discussion about lack of organising and my insane ability to plan group activities flawlessly – is this my real talent….planning? – anyway there was also the murder of a few wasps…
“aw great that’s gawny attract more, you know because they send out a signal ta thur pals”
So here i am with an image of these wasps throwing on that yellow and black armour putting on wee helmets, punching their clenched fist into the opposite palm with a “right lads.. lets get them” I realise i have no belief…well i do it just on all the wrong things. That’s the thing about belief i guess in your lowest it can feed the wrong kind. I’ve spent months almost isolating myself because i believing one thing that somewhere in the pit of my consious i knew wasn’t true.
“why can’t you take a compliment”
The words coming out of your mouth are ones i don’t believe in that’s why but i’m going to change that… say thank you and then insult the man it’s what friends do. I started thinking and I’ve been doing it ever since, if i wasn’t good at something i wouldn’t have got this far and just because i’m not there yet doesn’t mean i never will be.
“I’m king of the world”
And he was… I mean why cant he be, why cant anyone all it takes is a little belief or faith, trust and a little bit pixie dust. We are all kings or queens (I will let you decide which) of our worlds we just have to believe it.
The journey home was something, we took to the upper level to enjoy a fish supper and a glorious sunset over Arran. Selfies galore, laughing like I’ve not done in so long and finally i looked over at one of the group leaning on the rail staring contently and longingly at the island we left. It is the look i imagine i will have one day when i finally live that lifelong dream of being New Zealand… but we were all snapped out of whatever bliss we were in by one comment which i shall spare you all from but let’s say the tone of the conversation changed and while some memories i will never forget this is definitely one i wish i could.
“he is a weirdo, but he’s our kind of weirdo”
“It is a wonder how we are awe pals really”
So there it is…. i am an introvert spending my time deep in my own thoughts, some times in a place called Alanadell with the elves especially one called Oron and a bronze dragon called Tibalt, sometimes even the fairies. One day i hope to share these guys with the world once i find my courage to take that step. I am also an extrovert, i need that social interaction i thrive on it…
Good friends…some banter and lots of laughing.
When you fear and doubt yourself long enough you will believe all the bad stuff you tell yourself, but please dear readers know this you are good enough, strong enough, smart enough, you have something to offer the world and if your currently in a state of not believing that try making it your mantra for a while… I know, i know it’s easy for people to say these things if they haven’t experienced it and i’m trying to believe it myself, hell i’m four weeks into a 52 week mindfulness challenge and i’m still on week one. (i know im doing ever so well)
“power of habit designs our destiny.”
So please stop believing the bad stuff and start believing the good, and if you have negative people in your life bringing you down and making it seem that life is some competition.. well go out there and prove them wrong show the world the weird, eccentric, geeky, smart and wonderful person that is you 😊
Centuries ago dragons ruled the earth, powerful ruling, stealing and terrifying humans. Through the years the lands became barren and the gold and jewels soon dried up more than the land, the dragon became bored of the weakness of the world and slowly they took their leave. With this shift humans became bolder greedier and began to seek power of their own, in the years that followed it would come down to a battle between two armies, the first from the East by the name of Vitos greedy and determined to take over where the dragon had left off promising his followers a share if they helped him. The other a leader from the West by the name of Exos dreamed of a peaceful land like the days of old where land was plentiful and humans lived in harmony. On the eve of battle and sensing that he would be defeated Exos went a walk through the woods to the last great dragon cave, a pact was made: dragon strength and wisdom for the promise that he Exos would follow his heart’s desire and restore the lands upon winning this war. This pact came with a warning for once you are touched by a dragon it cannot be undone, future generations would be affected by the ruler’s choices and it could be a blessing or a curse in the bloodline. The dragon used its magic to craft a goblet of twisted tree roots and filled it with blood and as Exos drank it the dragon said
“chose your future wisely”
As the last drop hit, a raging fire became lit in his
stomach, falling over clutching in pain, a scream of pain bursting from his
jaws as Exos looked around wildly the dragon was gone. His muscles pulled and
stretched and the fire spread, there is no one to hear those screams now.
The battle raged for almost a week many men lost their lives
and more wished they had. The two leaders found themselves face to face and for
hours they battled until Exos dealt the final blow of a sword to Vitos’s gut
and it was over. In this brief moment the internal fire began to rage and the
dragon words echoed I in his head, but the power was too great and greed
consumed him. For many years the king ruled bleeding his people dry of their
riches and becoming a tyrant. His bloodline spread throughout the world,
however like all tyranny it does eventually end, a rebellion would see the king
and all his descendants murdered accept one….
Targa stood at the top of the hill over looking the village,
it was miserable place, surrounded by barren lands. Thin streams of smoke rising
from the chimneys of little thatched roofs, the villagers trudging their way
through the mud grunting acknowledgments at each other. The rain battered the
ground so hard not even the worms would dare to break the surface, a pitiful
place but the only one who would accept him.
He turned his head towards a grave marked only by draconic
language which read Het nok unnamed gein (here
lies the unnamed one.)
“I don’t know why you ever brought us here….” His voice was
deep and old, and he spoke with bitterness through gritted teeth, placing his
clawed hand upon the words, with a sigh he continued
“but I suppose I should be glad you did……. Mother”
As he wandered down the hill, the rain ran off his scales
giving them the alluring look of pearls but falling to the ground like snow
after grazing his cold scales. His dragon like feet sunk into the mud so deeply
that if it was not for his size and great strength would have seen him stuck
there. Other villages he entered has screamed and ran away from his unnatural
appearance but not here, not Vallea, this was home.
Targa carried on through the village waving to the people as
he past with a smile, stopping only to sooth a troubled horse and help free it
from the mud he always had an ability with animals no one could really
understand. He walked to the other side if the village, crossing a dangerously
worn stone bridge caused by the raging rapid which passed underneath it
directly from the mountains.
Targa began to sneak his way around the lifeless house,
silently climbing the tree outside to effortlessly reach the upper floors.
Maintaining this silence, he glanced in the window and sensing nothing he
opened the window sneaking through. Choosing his steps carefully he made his
way down the stairs missing a few that he knew creaked and pausing only at the
bottom, sensing no presence he grinned striding across the kitchen and reached
for the fresh bread laid on the table.
“phew you need a wash”
Saeclus was the oldest of the villagers and its advisor and
leader of many years, the people trusted his judgment and not surprising due to
the stories that had been passed down the generations. Now he lived in peace
and age it seemed came a price of loosing his eye sight but as often happens
his other senses heightened so much so that even Targa as cunning and stealthy
as he was could sneak up on him. Targa had come to him as a baby in the arms of
his mother fleeing her fate, she stumbled upon the village cold, hungry and
scared. She knew that she could not outrun the hounds forever and so she begged
Saeclus to take her son and hide him and in return she would run and never
return. When the king’s men arrived in the village with the hounds they
searched the houses but found nothing and they continued on down the road, but
word spread that the girl was killed and fed to the hounds.
Saeclus raised Targa as his own and taught him farming, but
also told him of his fate to better prepare him for the world that would fear
and shun him.
Targa washed his giant hands returning to the table to tear
at the bread like he hadn’t eaten in weeks.
“I suppose you will hunt again tonight?”
With a grunt Targa responded “bread and ale are no way to
live old man”
Saeclus’s voice was filled with concern “but to do what you
do, only draws attention to your existence”
Targa kissed the old man on the forehead causing him to drop
his mug which was caught in the clawed hand returned to the old man.
“let them come”
“Targa… That power you have must be controlled, if not we don’t know what
will happen or who you will become”
Targa at the door now wrapped a long clock around him, he
opened the door being greeted by a now darkening pink sky and as he pulled the cloak
to cover his face he said
“I won’t lose control”
For almost a week he hunted gather as much food as his arm
could carry, enough to feed the village for a week. He whistled as he reached
the crest of the hill looking at his mothers tree a pride filling him to be
home…. Only the dull, muddy village now burned, hounds chased what was left of
the villagers Targa dropped his haul and began to sneak his only thought now as
a rage burned inside him…. Saeclus
The house, his home was alight but he heard it faint and
weak he heard the cries for help from upstairs. Targa leaped smashing through
the window as a guard drove his blade deep into Saeclus, the rage building he
grabbed the guard throwing him as his hound latched onto Targa’s arm its teeth barely
scratching the skins surface but a yelp escaped it as its eyes locked with
Targa’s and its coward for a moment before turning on it’s former master. Targa
took Saeclus in his great arms and jumped out the window taking some of the
drapes with him, as the screams of the guard faded, he realised it was too late
and a darkness of despair consumed him as he realised that this was his fault.
The hound was at his side its head hanging in morning as the fire raged engulfing
the house Targa grew up in.
His eyes turned an ice blue as he wiped the tears from his
face, a fire began to swirl in the pit of his stomach but no pain came with it,
he stood up pulling his sword and his staff wrapping the torn drapes from under
his foot and fastening it to his belt, he charged across the bridge the hound
running with him at his heel and into the guards.
He went into a frenzy drawing the hounds to him with every
meeting and they guided him to the guards where he showed no mercy. Until there
was only one guard left, crawling backwards away from Targa fear in his eye the
leader of these fowl creatures. He was pitiful and Targa was filled with an
uncontrollable rage now reminding himself of his last promise.
“by the order of the king I sentence you to death”
Targa eyes whitened and he tilted his head at the guard as
he continued
“your king demands your allegiance”
As Targa responded a blue fire ran down his arm, he found
the words in draconic causing the guard to shake in fear.
“Zu’u lost nid jun uv mir “ (I have no king or allegiance)
With that the fire burst from him, leaving nothing, no guards, no hounds and the village was gone. The rain began to fall killing the last of the flames from Targa’s arm, he looked to the West and began walking.
Hope you are comfy, maybe have some snacks
and a drink, I would recommend that toilet break but let’s be honest some of
you lovely people could be sitting on the loo right now. (I’m not judging just
remember to flush) Anyway this is a tale of a journey sadly not one that I
wanted to take or anywhere exotic…. No this is a journey to a magical fun world
of thoughts otherwise known as the inside of my head. Yip you see not too long
ago I fell into this pit and felt I had no escape until I heard a speech about
self- love, and I made a terrifying choice…. I chose to run.
Our story begins one sunny afternoon in a
room of too many things, a room once filled with warmth, joy and laughter now empty.
This room is usually so vibrant now dull and grey its gone, I sit on the floor
holding back the sadness that threatens to consume me surrounded by a fortnight
worth of washing. Mascara begins to run down my face and I realise I never took
it off from work yesterday, the dark cloud begins to swirl in my head, because
no one can put me down like I can and then I hear it Morgan Freeman’s voice is
in there (I know it is glorious 😊 ) but it comes through loud and clear saying
“If you lay down people will
step over, you. But if you keep scrambling, keep going someone will always,
always give you a hand. But you got to keep dancing, keep moving your feet.”
The reflection in the
TV is hideous, mascara now burns my already red eyes, you see it occurs to me that
this is it, I can’t control what is happening around me how other people are
treating me, but I can control how I react to it. So, make the choice, am I
really going to sit here and be consumed by all of this or am I going to do
something.
Breath….
Just breath, this isn’t torture…. No this
is an act of self-love, look at you out of the house forget about catching the
site of the walrus in the skin-tight running gear she is gone. FOCUS, its all
about that mindfulness, the breathing, the feel of the air, the warmth of the
sun, the silence. Find the beat with your feet, squirrel, seriously focus you
haven’t even started running yet.
Silence…. Breathe it in and find your
timing, now run… let the thoughts just melt away right now is what is important
let it all go (great here comes Elsa) The sun streams through the trees bathing
the woodland floor in its beauty, there is a smell of freshly fallen rain and
the air is dense with its heat, it’s harder to focus I’m kind of hungry should
have had elevenses. There they are the hobbits laughing away at my lack of food
smoking there pipeweed, well laugh it up boys I hope you paid that troll, yip
you are bonkers completely mad.
“We’re all mad here”
The curse of having a good imagination and
seeing magic in the world because that came from the Hatter at his tea party
and I want to stop and join mainly because of the pain throbbing away in my
side and the burning now in my lungs. Seriously though slow down a little,
despite what the shirt says they are not taking the Hobbits to Isengard and
besides what would you do if they were, just a little fish in a big pond. I
pass my favourite tree in my sadness its colour is dull, and the tree looks
sad, I always tell my kids stories about the fairies and yet today I can’t see
them have I lost my magic?
As my thoughts take over my pace slows
down, I’m walking again, all the things that I’ve heard people say take over
and begin to consume me. That irksome thing people always say about my only
talent being in Psychology, or you can’t help others if you’re not ok in your
own head.
Stop…. acknowledge it and stop it… Breathe…
There he is, the ring master laughing
yelling Roll up, roll up come see the crazy jogging lady and then it happened.
Now dear reader (if your still with me) it was at this moment that my sudden
screaming outburst of frustration startled the birds, yip a humongous pheasant
came right at me claws showing screaming at me- ok so it’s an exaggeration but
you get the point- and I’m running again heart threatening to jump out my chest
like Alien but I’m out of the woods, the air is clearer here the sun is warm.
There are the calls of MUM over the ever so catchy Footloose but as I look for
this interruption to my groove (yes, I am now less run more dad dancing, sure
like you haven’t done it) my heart melts at the sight of the lambs.
Breathe……
“We tend to base our
self-esteem on what other people think. Self-esteem is supposed to be about how
we feel about ourselves.”
Eminem and Dr Dre come
pounding through my earphones, my feet finding the ground with every beat
heavily, too heavy in fact my body is tight with anger. Why am I allowing
people who don’t know me make me feel so insignificant or that I have nothing
to offer?
With the growing beat
the negative thoughts begin to fade with a little pride breaking through like
that sunshine breaking through those trees back there, I notice the hawk
circling overhead and my heart jumps a little – it isn’t going to dive bomb you
calm yourself- FOCUS on that pride why is it there. Well dear reader it is
there because for nearly two years I have been on a journey, one that hasn’t
been easy and at times I have crawled like Anakin Skywalker sliding into that
lava in Star Wars.
“Without struggle there is
no victory”
This journey has been bumpy, and I’ve taken many wrong turns along
the way but there are achievements in there: two independent, strong willed,
decision making young children to start with, mental health workshops which
were successful. Drawing, writing,
dancing these are your talents, the Psychology part that is learned, it comes
from a place of passion. I’ve lost my pace… I’m walking again, this is not a
run I’d hoped for.
Breathe…….
“You don’t grow in the good
times when everything is going your way. You grow when there is pressure.”
I’m back in the trees
they are different, warmer, richer. The deer are out today I stop to take in
that scenic view, I strain my eyes enough they become unfocused and they are
there the fairies… Yip I know a grown woman believing in fairies. However, let
me give you food for thought how you can see and accept the beauty of the world
or the inhabitants of it if you do not see a little magic along the way.
Believe me I am not asking you to see fairies or other magical creatures just
find something magical about where you are. A speech I heard once pops into my
head “find your broom” ignore the little brooms with pales crossing in front of
you right now Mickey Mouse will deal with them, I’m referring to that
connection with other people. When it comes to making that choice of the
journey its never easy and why would we want it to be, if it was easy would we
grow?
“Ease is a greater threat
to progress than hardship.”
Focus…. Breathe…. Now
start running, find your centre and keep running no more distractions. As Mr
Blue Sky kicks in, I’m smiling more than the Cheshire cat as the sun begins to
burn my sweat covered face. There is a smell of damp moss, and wood in the air,
matched with the tweeting of birds, I’m so into this tune I run straight past
my favourite little water fall no more distractions to the gate’s riders of
Rohan.
Or not… the dreaded wall, the hardest part of
this route, with air burning in my lungs I’m slowly giving up. What I need now
is Chris Evans in his Captain America costume to say on your left and run past
me, that would get me up the hill, or Robert Downey JR as ironman – who am I
kidding at this point not even Howard the Duck can get me up this thing.
Suddenly sadness hits and I’m frozen panting like scooby doo – only covered in
sweat not drool – You see there is nothing like witnessing deforestation, a
once warm full of life piece of land now lies dry and broken. Groot and
Treebeard aren’t going to like this at all, now run. Here it comes the same
spot different day and through the headphone comes Don’t fear the reaper (yes
reader I am aware it is a strange choice of running music) this is it… the darkness
is coming for me where are Dean and Sam Winchester in that amazing Impala car
when I need them, will I at least hear a witty comment from Crowley before it
happens?
Frantically I hit for a
change in song, running lopsided past the house with the floating door, oh look
the owner just to add to the embarrassment – Beam me up Scotty, seriously
please they are looking at me funny. Just
keep running, you are on the home stretch now, not far pick up the pace you got
this. Now all I need is Creed to run next to me with words of encouragement,
there it is the gate to freedom cue the rocky music hands in the air for the
finish. Woops I’m on the ground tears stream down my face from the laughter,
the cold-water soaks through the running top but it’s done, and it worked.
I am so far away from
the end of this journey – I feel it’s hardly began – but the main point of
this, is to keep going, find something that takes away from the pain of what your
going through believe me I have a story full of dead characters as a way of
venting my frustrations, as well as a pile of art work doomed to never see the
light of day but I survived and I will continue to. The reality for me is
allowing people into my head through this silly tale is terrifying but what
seems one way to me could be a lifeline or guide to someone else.
I did not come this far to
just come this far.
Oh and yes dear reader
I paid dearly for that little tumble 😊
